Green eyed monster

241 days since the last time I ski-ed and 64 days post surgery.

Going back to work has been absolutely exhausting. The first week was the hardest, this week has been slightly easier. I’m enjoying the social aspect of it but concentrating was difficult after seven weeks, plus concentrating on being so careful all the time is just as tiring. I’m managing to do some physio during working hours but there’s nowhere really very private so I’m always a bit on edge in case someone walks in. I try and go for a stroll outside when I can. One good thing about being back is the stairs. I've been asked why I don't use the lift but the stairs are great because there's a bannister on each side so I can practice while taking some of the weight with my arms.

I’m wearing my snow boots constantly. They’re anything but elegant and it’s tricky finding outfits that will work with them (!) but I witnessed someone slipping on a wet leaf recently and, although he found it quite amusing, that absolutely can’t happen to me.  So sensible snow boots it is. Who knows, maybe this student look will catch on.

Generally things are ok. It’s quite tough at times though. Being back at work makes me feel like life is normal again but it’s not. It makes me more aware of everything I can’t do. I can’t socialise unless it’s local. I can’t go to the shops at lunchtime or go for a run. I’m so envious of everyone; people think nothing of squatting down on their heels to reach into the fridge or running up the stairs two at a time.

I’m having a few issues straightening my leg and then immediately bending so that’s something to keep an eye on. The bending however is getting quite good. I must be at about 130 degrees now as it’s close to matching my other leg which is 140. I can’t kneel down yet though or sit cross legged.

The other day I was reaching across the kitchen bar at work and filling a glass with water from the filter tap and it suddenly occurred to me that I was leaning forwards on my bad knee with all my weight on that side. I hadn’t even thought about it. A small subconscious movement which means a lot.

I’m trying the gym again next month. And hopefully the incision on my thigh will have healed in the next few days and I can start hydrotherapy. I miss exercise more than I ever thought possible. I’m craving that feeling you get after working out. That post exercise glow when you’ve pushed yourself and you’re aching - but in a tingly good way. I feel sluggish and lazy. I’ll probably ease myself back into it by going swimming – hopefully in the not too distant future. I think I’d be ok to go now but I’d have to do the crawl and that’s knackering. Breast stroke would twist my knee too much at the moment. I’ve missed dancing more than anything over the past eight months. Even more than chocolate chip icecream when I was dieting. As soon as I’m mended I’m taking every class going – street dance, zumba, ballroom ..... But for now I'm continuing life as a couch potato.

Setting the alarm again

I went back to work on Friday. I’ve been away seven weeks. They were very pleased to see me back – I think my absence has been quite tough on everyone.  Since I don’t feel I should be driving in rush hour and, because I can’t get on the tube, my work are paying for cabs to take me to and from the office.  I’m very lucky.

I’ve decided to put the gym on hold.  I’ve been twice now and I don’t like the way my knee feels afterwards. It feels like it’s going to crack and is uncomfortable. I've only been doing a few minutes on the bikes and rowing machines but maybe it’s a bit soon to be going. My PT has suggested some leg strengthening classes which take place at the hospital once a week so I’m keen to find out more about that.

Today I bought some Bio Oil. It’s supposed to be good for scars. So I’m just starting using it – you have to use it for a minimum of three months so it could be a while before I can see any results.  Apart from the one on my thigh the scars aren’t that bad really but I may as well give them the best chance of fading so I can dig out the denim shorts next summer.

Went out last night for Halloween. It was scary being in a busy bar and, after being pushed a few times, I sat down like Baby in the Corner and let the others get the drinks for me!

I'm sleeping in a brace because I worry about bending my knee in my sleep but hopefully soon I can say tatty bye to all of them ...

Two PCLs, the gym and a party

Seven weeks post op tomorrow.

This week I had my six week post surgery check up. I was a little anxious about it. I mean I don’t know if I’ve been pushing the physio too much or what all the different pains and twinges are so it was a fairly big deal and I just wanted to know the graft was ok and happily installed and comfortable in its new home.

So it was a huge relief to know that, not only is everything ok, but my injured leg is on track to become stronger than my other. My other knee has slightly more laxity now. Bizarre! I’m so happy and relieved - I put on a dance album and boogied around the kitchen when I got home. Don’t tell anyone ....

I found out what all the various incisions are, from where the graft went in and out, where the camera went, where the water pump was etc. Possibly not interesting to anyone but me – but I really wanted to know. I’m so fascinated by the whole clever procedure. The operation sounded very complicated but I got the gist. I think.

Surprisingly my hamstring hadn’t been used as I was originally told – instead a man made graft was inserted. I can’t remember the name of the material. Bit too late for me to argue about that but as long as it works I really don’t care.

From what I can gather, I now have two PCLs in my right leg. The original one is pretty much rendered useless and has been stretched so much that it’s unable to spring back into shape. And the new one is obviously the graft. My ACL was apparently slightly lax and flopping backwards but that’s ok now as I understand. I looked at all the pictures but, without a medically trained eye, it’s pretty difficult to make out what’s what.

I’m feeling sturdier and less delicate by the day although I still have a problem with people coming near me in the street. I’m under no illusion about the amount of physio I have do in the coming months. I’m not phased by it though. I think, because I have a sporting background, I’m equipped to deal with the work ethic. Sure, it gets a bit boring but I’m completely focused on it. I’m currently doing three half hour sessions a day and going outside and walking (without crutches or brace) once a day.

And it’s time to introduce my new bionic knee to the gym. I went along yesterday.  I’ve been aching ever since - I think my muscles have quickly become used to doing absolutely nothing and didn't like waking up. I used the exercise bike, the rowing machine, the wobble cushion, hand weights and thigh presses. Today I’ve been out walking for about half an hour. Got caught in the rain but it was good! I think I’ll try the gym again tomorrow.

On Saturday I went to my friend's wedding drinks in London. I've been out locally but this was the first time in the big city. It was really great to be frocked up, coiffed and socialising. I had to sit down for a lot of the party but I felt I was starting to feel like myself again.

Tomorrow was the date I was originally given for my surgery when I rang in the summer. I don’t know if it was ever official as I didn’t receive anything in writing but, when I look at how far I’ve come, I’m so happy my operation was brought forward by seven weeks. I can’t imagine being at the start of that journey now.

Confidently vulnerable

Six weeks today post op!  This is quite a milestone.  How am I feeling?  Well my knee is stiff and sore but I’m feeling more confident following a good physio session yesterday.  I had a go on the exercise bike and enjoyed a light jog on the trampette!  I’m now allowed to use some gym equipment.  Anything which ensures my feet are firmly planted on something.  This means cross trainers, exercise bikes and rowing machines.  Not skis!

I’ve been in touch with my gym at work and I’m going to have a look around when I return but I’m almost certain I’m going to sign up.  Much as I’d prefer to be running outside, it sounds great for now and has all the equipment I need to get my knee moving.

The crutches have been fairly well used but they’ve now been put to one side.  I’m really working hard on my walking.  I’m limping quite a bit but more in the outside world than inside.  It’s because I panic a bit when I’m around crowds of people.  Prams and children come flying towards you and your natural instinct is to protect your injury.  Recently I was walking outside thinking I was doing quite well and a lady came over to me and asked if I was alright and did I need any help.  When my physio showed me how I’d been walking I could see why!  I really must do better at this.  It’s partly uncomfortable and partly a mental challenge.

I’m not doing great with stairs – not one foot per stair anyway.  I can get up ok if there’s a banister on either side but going downstairs is tricky.  Transferring all my weight over to my knee whilst bending it is just something I can’t deal with at the moment.  My physio has given me a good exercise which involves stepping onto and over a large book.

The number of physio exercises is building.  They include squats, knee bends, balance work, leg strengthening etc.  They're keeping me busy.

Today is my first day without any medication.  I’ve been taking anti-inflammatories for six weeks now and it’s been suggested I come off them and just use the ice.

I’ve been doing some work from home which has made me feel a bit useful. And last week I was away visiting my family which was such a refreshing change of scenery.  I baked a Curly Wurly cake which was indulgent but nomtastic and worth every calorie!

Hollywood - do your research

I watched a film the other night called Just Wright.  It's about a physio therapist and her client who is a professional basketball player. I didn't know this until I was watching it but the basketball player tears his pcl.  And looking at the MRI scans (which are much clearer than mine incidentally) it's a complete tear.  But, this being Hollywood, Queen Latifah has him back to playing in a professional match in six weeks.  Seemingly by doing a few sit-ups.  Hmmmm.  I appreciate it's not a medical documentary but come on!  Worth a watch though.

Trailer - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpbFC2hTgno&feature=related

Another physio session today.  I've been a bit confused as to whether I should be using crutches, the brace, both or neither!  Today I've been told to not wear the brace and to try and manage with one crutch.  This is good.  I'm not sure my biceps can take it otherwise.

I also need to build up my quad muscles as my leg is really skinny now and there's no muscle there to support the knee.

I managed to bend my knee to 118 degrees although not comfortably (definitely couldn't sit watching tv like that) - so that's an improvement on last week but it will start to slow now I believe.  My good knee is bending to 140 degrees so some way to go.  And I'm about a degree or two from getting my leg straight.  Lots of work to follow over the next couple of weeks.

I have to jiggle my knee cap around.  Ick.  I had read about this but, since no-one talked to me about it, I thought I'd got away with not having to gross myself out.  Actually it's not as bad as it sounds in reality.

A few of us went for a picnic by the river yesterday.  It was lovely - the last bit of proper sunshine this year I expect.  The only problem was getting up after sitting on the ground .....

Bring on the bling!

I am loving Jessie J's customised crutches - these would make me feel a whole lot better!  She's even wearing surgical stockings!

Plodding on ....

Three weeks today post op.

Things are pretty much the same. I’m doing physio three or four times a day and icing regularly. I’m practising my walking outside, although yesterday I came a bit unstuck when my knee suddenly became really painful down the inside and I struggled to get back because I couldn’t weight bear.  I’m hoping everything is fine, it feels ok again today.  Whatever ok is. 

My incisions are starting to heal but I have a wire (from the stitches) coming out of the one on my shin and a wire coming out of the one in my thigh.  I wonder if I pull them my leg will gather up like an elasticated waistband??

I'd been considering going back to work next week but this just isn’t feasible.  I still feel way too fragile.

So three weeks means I can finally say goodbye to my surgical stockings!  Just as well really since there’s not much left of them....

I found this little animation.  It's actually an ACL reconstruction but, although obviously different, has a similar procedure. For anyone considering surgery, I think it's quite good at showing what the surgery involves without showing the real life detail! Please don't watch if you'd rather be blissfully unaware of what happens after the anaesthetic but if you're like me, and want every last detail, then click away ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q96M0jRqn7k